“525,600 minutes…how do you measure a year?
….Measure in love” –Rent
At age 7 I knew that Valentines Day was my favorite of all holidays. Pink was my favorite color and I couldn’t wait to get those ridiculous heart shaped candies, cherry ring pops, chocolates and love notes from my family, friends and….yes, even my crushes at the time. All of that and I hadn’t yet even discovered my love for Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Love, Actually (my two favorite movies), renaissance poetry, bubble baths, fine dining or sparkling wine….not to mention those cheesy valentine’s day cards you get from your pet cats or dogs (God, I still LOVE those!). I couldn’t have yet known then that one day my passion for the love holiday itself would take entirely new meaning because of a new movement called V-Day and another called The Winter of Love.
Valentine’s Day is still my most cherished holiday—although for years, I have spent more time trying to justify it to people who think it is only about superficiality, commodification and socio-cultural control over the construct of what it means to love. It’s not that I don’t agree that commercialized Valentine’s Day exists, ofcourse it does and the power structure that backs it up does not help women and girls fighting to end violence in their lives, nor does it help LGBT couples who cannot marry due to the hetero-normative monogamous ideal it sets forward…nor does it help the ever increasing number of single people globally who prefer being single for life and who are made to feel somehow inadequate or incomplete for making that choice. All of this is true but it’s hardly the whole story….and I’ve always been one for reconstructing/tweaking those things that don’t quite completely work.
At the risk of sounding overly romantic, I find it not just refreshing but actually essential that we reserve one day per year especially for love—and here is the key….all forms of love romantic and otherwise—because when all is said and done in life, there is literally nothing more important than the love we share with our families, friends, coworkers, lovers, pets, the planet, vaginas (I’ll get to that in a minute) and one another. I’ll admit it, 365 days a year is just not enough without one of those days sticking out as a celebratory reminder of what is important and at the core of who we are and why we are here in this world.
For me, my understanding and re-commitment to Valentine’s Day transformed in the year 2000 when I had the opportunity to perform the role of “Entering Vaginas” in the San Francisco State University production of The Vagina Monologues. V-Day was only a few years old then—a new movement led by Eve Ensler to end violence in all forms against women and girls (it has since gone global and raised over $60 million dollars toward that end)….our 2-day production sold out to over 1000 people and raised thousands of dollars for WOMAN, Inc. Our cast of 20+ women, ranging in age from 13 to 71, from 8th grade girls to an ex CIA agent became friends for life as have the thousands of other college and community based performers and Hollywood stars over the past decade…creating a kind of unprecedented vagina community. We were and are all survivors in one way or another… of sexual assault, trafficking, battery, attempted genocide, rape, genital mutilation, gay bashing and/or attempted suicides relating to these things. Many of us as performers had never understood that the clitoris is the only part of the human body designed just for pleasure….something STILL not taught in the majority of high school or college sex ed classes. One of our first assignments was to go home and say “vagina” in the mirror to ourselves for as long as we possibly could stand it. For some of us that duration was much longer than others as embarrassment, shame, inexplicable mystery and fear took over. For some of us, the show opened up the ability to experience sexual pleasure for the first time in our lives as we learned to love ourselves in a holistic way through our vaginas and cherish and respect women as the source of all life. V-Day permanently transformed the way I saw being a woman and a feminist and it gave me the love and self and community acceptance I needed to become even more of an activist against violence in all forms….especially sexual. I can’t think of Valentine’s Day anymore without thinking of vaginas and women and power. Nor would I ever want to again.
Feminist.com and VDAY have produced a phenomenal Anti Violence Resource Guide full of emergency information, national and international organizations and resources as well as facts and statistics about violence in all forms against women and girls. It is an excellent resource not to miss. I also recommend going to the “Shop” part of VDay’s web site. Ifgo you buy someone you love a Valentine’s Day present there, you can rest assured that you are connecting yourself to the global anti violence revolution. Chocolates, candies and VDAY shopping, don’t forget it!
Five years ago today on February 12, 2004 I married my now ex-wife in San Francisco City Hall along with approximately 100 other couples including Phyllis Lyon and the late Del Martin who had been together over 50 years. We were couple #69 (I know, what are the odds that would happen as I am a sex educator?!) and that was the first day of what later became known as The Winter of Love in San Francisco which lasted for a couple of months. When we woke up that Friday February 13th and realized that the courts had not been successful at filing an injunction to stop the “rogue” weddings, we went to SF City Hall to volunteer for the weekend. We could think of nothing more “romantic” than witnessing hundreds of couples marry one another….many of whom had been together for decades and never dreamed of what it might mean to have state and therefore often familial recognition of their relationship. It meant everything for them and their families and for many, it was the first time their families understood their relationship’s significance. It turns out that was the most “romantic” weekend of my life….It was another major Valentine’s Day turning point for me when on February 14, 2004 as I stood in SF City Hall’s rotunda and looked around at the hundreds of simultaneous weddings happening around me—children, parents, grandparents and clergy crying with couples who were overjoyed and not a little bit in shock….I realized that my love for love was much bigger than the candy heart expression of my youth. As the Winter of Love progressed and couples from all over the nation stood in line overnight in the rain at City Hall nervous that they may not make it before legal actions were filed to stop the weddings, we began to notice them getting flower and cookie deliveries from people all over the world—people they did not even know congratulating them and wishing them long happy lives with one another. That was a whole other level of love I had not yet come face to face with—and one I will never forget.
VDAY’s web site says “V is for Victory, Valentine and Vagina”. I would also add “Vows” to that now. Vows of love for life amongst people, many of whom are women who are **still** fighting 5 years later to marry. Vows of loving for love’s sake and in whatever form that love takes. Vows of committed action to fight all human rights abuses until victory.
This Valentine’s Day my valentine is my vow to share these Valentine love memories with others like you because telling the story is an act of love in itself. And it’s fully free and recession-proof. VDAY and the Winter of Love remind me why I have chosen to devote my life to lifelong sexual health, education, rights and happiness, which I believe to be at the very heart and healing of all of us….in the end. That I enjoy sparkling wine, silly romantic comedies, poetry, chocolate hearts and a special day for love itself only celebrates and amplifies that truth….
Valentine’s Day is love’s birthday. I hope you celebrate and make 525,600 minutes worth of vows in whatever ways meaningful for you and yours! xo
