Sanskruti (culture)

The thing that I find so interesting about the entire institution of marriage is how different it is across cultures, but also how it has changed over the years. Specifically, I look at how historically marriage has essentially been a business transaction, and an arrangement through which to perpetuate the species, control the lower classes, whatever. This modern notion of romantic love sometimes challenges me--especially when I look at the length of marriages nowadays and the high divorce rates we see here in the states. I struggle with it a lot--because I think that yes, sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, or make mistakes or whatever, and having the capacity for closure and moving on can be useful. But I also look at how our culture has become so ADD in so many ways, how we 'want it all' and want it to be perfect, and how we have developed an incredibly low tolerance for frustration or getting through the rough spots. I think of the generations before us who stayed married all their lives, and how they swung through incredibly difficult times both culturally/societally and I'm sure, personally--and many of them found they those rough patches faded and they found love, compassion, and companionship again--that it's all part of the ebb & flow of being human and having relationships. That is not to say that some people were miserable & would have done better outside those relationships, but I think finding that balance is key. So arranged marriages--not centered around romantic love, and if people feel that it is how their lives should be, the more power to them! I myself rail against that thought, not only due to my cultural inheritances, but also because I'm a feistily independent person with, I admit, a low tolerance for frustration. And because I don't know if I could be in a monogamous relationship with someone I had not chosen for myself--it might be less disturbing to me if I knew these people got to have their afternoon delight as well!

alot of marriage talk. first of all marriage has to be based on love by the way i think of it. im indian and i would only marry someone i love dat loves me back. even if i have to go against my parents. i mean i would ask them but if they really becum old fashioned and all that thhinking they can own me how much they want, i dont care. i would actually elope with my "jeevan saathi". and then cums all sex and kissing and making luv in bed and so on. i mean its fun to have it with ur boyfrend/girlfrend. even though im still a virgin. i would want to have sexxxxx!

There is a part of me, that feminist, independent, stubborn part of me that immediately revolts at the idea of my parents ever arranging a marriage for me. I like being the one responsible for my choices (I like having the privelage of having that choice), I like getting to know people on my own terms. I like calling my own shots. It has practically been drilled into me that having a choice in who I marry is not simply important, but a fundamental human right, a right that shows a certain equality of men and women that wasn't present in years past (I am speaking strictly heterosexually now). But there is also a part of me, the part that has been married, divorced, and a fan of serial monogomy with cohabitation, that doesn't exactly think of arranged marriages as a horrible institution. The United States has a divorce rate of nearly 50%. The fantasy of television and movie relationships where couples live happily ever after, wine and dine every night within the context of an everlasting romantic walk on the beach is unrealistic, but it is the context many people are brought up to believe "true love" happens in. There are no real problems in fictional Hollywoodized realtionships that can't be fixed within a two hour time frame. There are no dirty socks, no dishes to wash, and no flu to contend with once a year. The fireworks never cease. In reality, we find our relationships much more complicated and mundane than what we have been taught to expect. We get old, fat, and unsatisfied with life. And we get scared that once we reach this state, we will not be worth growing old with. So while most of my feminist being says "HELL NO!!!" to the idea of arranged marriage, there is part of me that admires the abilities of two people to be virtually thrown together and find a way to make it work, for better or for worse. It seems the foundations of an arranged marriage are different; instead of expecting non stop passion and fireworks, these couples expect to find companionship, support, and a person who will be there. And if they happen to fall in love, it is a bonus, but it's not a foundation of fantastical expectations. I once had a friend tell me that "love is what is left over when the passion is gone". In other words, love is the dirty socks, dirty dishes, and babying ones partner who has the flu. It is the good with the bad, it is cherished bits of excitement, but more often boring and filled with bills to pay. I do think there are other issues surrounding arranged marriages; namely not every arranged couple comes to even like eachother, issues of abuse, and most obvious, arranged marriages, like most non arranged marriages, happen to leave out a large section of society that is not heterosexual, and in fact may arrange for people who are not heterosexual to be in a marriage with some one they are not capable of having any form of desire for. I also wonder how classed arranged marriages are, as I imagine people with less money don't have the same options as the wealthy. I'm betting race would also have its part to play. For myself, I know exactly who my parents would have married me off to had they had the choice, and really, I think it might have worked.

According to Hindu mythology, Brahma is the creator of the universe. His better half being Saraswati, the goddess of education who sits on a rock in the middle of water. The symbolism exotic, in that education never falters in a fluid world, the foundation is as solid as a rock. I have been a huge fan of Saraswati and followed her all the way through my masters degree with plans to continue on in future. Brahma on the other hand is not a very popular god. In fact, I have never come across a single temple dedicated to him. I don't know why though, because I do enjoy the concept of creation. I enjoy it so much that I created me an alter self ... Ajae. Ajae could do a lot of things I could not do. The significant one being that Ajae was allowed to sleep with men! My culture instilled in me early on that my calling was to return to my homeland, get married to the ideal girl that my parents picked out, have kids and lead the wonderful life this was meant to be. I am not altogether saying that this is a bad thing if you are a straight person. There is some science to this concept. The suitors usually go through a very difficult vetting process wherein any person who is known commonly to both parties is contacted to determine the compatibility of the match (does the guy drink or smoke, does the girl know how to sing and dance, etc. all and anything else that matters to either party). Then there's the usually one meeting confirmation process between them. Granted you may only get to see each other once before the engagement/wedding, however the vetting is so intense that this meeting is mainly to figure out if there is physical attraction. The expectation after all this, and one I truly enjoy and still believe, is that, marriage is a one time affair and you need to compromise in any manner possible to make it last your lifetime. This surety of companionship, loyalty and happiness that were a part of my foreseeable future gave me immense social confidence. Ajae was created in Poughkeepsie. My future allowed Ajae to be nonchalant to anyone that I felt were not to be a part of it. Along with his imaginary name, he also had an imaginary identity that kept changing everyday. It allowed him to be creative with professions, hobbies, educational qualifications or the answer to any other question in his conversations. Ajae was very popular during this phase of overconfidence and recklessness. It was probably the neglectful and unattainable attitudes that he projected, or that he was all about wanton sex without emotions, which made him desirable to men (What's with the human race's attraction to jerks?). This fit right into my desire to only have one night stands so no one would know or begin to like the real me. Ajae also made it possible for me to escape entirely into my 'real' world one day by changing locations, leaving no happy memories with anyone behind, and be in denial myself about ever being him. He was created to try anything and everything related to being gay, guilt and evidence free, in order to get it out of my system before I had to be responsible for a family. Ajae started blurring as a concept when I began to realize how lonely and unfulfilled I was in that existence. I started to make friends and felt accepted by them and welcomed into their families. These friends from Poughkeepsie, I will always be thankful for, as they facilitated the onset of my acceptance of myself. I came out to them ...