Have you heard enough yet, about Nadya Suleman and her hatchlings? You know, single mom, six kids through in vitro fertilization, now has eight more? Here's what they were saying on the view this morning:
There are, admittedly, a bunch of problems with the entire process. Why any conscientious doctor would implant more than two embryos is definitely a question--but that responsibility lies with the doctor, not with the recipient.
I have to wonder, though, are we holding Nadya Suleman to a higher standard than other moms--and if so, why?
We have blogged extensively about the brood of 18 (and counting) propagated by the Duggars. And it is controversial to have so many kids--for environmental reasons, financial reasons, and for the simple ability to parent without hitting one of them over the head.
The fact is, we don't get to judge opposite sex couples on how and why they make reproductive health decisions. Even when they have six or seven or eight, we wax sympathetic and figure out how we can get behind them. When married couples get reproductive assistance--whether it is surrogacy, IVF or fertility drugs--we assume it is because they are desperate to parent, have tried for years, and that these assisted technologies are righting some great injustice. We don't ask questions like, did she really pay $80k to a surrogate because she didn't want to ruin her figure, or did he decide that it would be 'easier' to raise four at a time than to spread things out? These folks are seen as supremely unselfish--making the ultimate sacrifice in their tragic quest to be parents at any cost.
But when it comes to folks like single parents by choice, and gay parents, whose fertility almost always requires some level of assistance (be it a sympathetic turkey baster equipped friend or a family member unable to parent their own offspring), and some level of choice, we suddenly feel like we have the right to decide--and judge--whether they get to be parents at all. And often, they get labeled as selfish, putting their own needs ahead and forcing their children into a tragic life of poverty and ridicule.
Kate Gosselin, mother of eight--including the set of sextuplets who landed her her very own reality show--said, "I would never have set out to even have a seventh child - especially if I was a single parent!" in this New York Post article. Gosselin, of course, is married, had twins conceived with fertility drugs, and went on to take more fertility drugs so that she could have just one more. She ended up with six more. Granted, Suleman's math is a little more challenging--but she had six, wanted one more, and ended up with fourteen. Their situations are not that different in terms of their decision making process--but Suleman, a single parent, has had her mental health challenged, as well as her ability to parent, even though there is no indication whatsoever that up until now she has been anything but a regular mom. And a mom who managed to put herself through undergrad and some grad school at that.
Do I think Nadya Suleman made a wise decision? No. Do I think her doctors made a wise decision? Decidedly not. But every day--at the playground with my son, driving down the road and moving through the world--I see folks making questionable parenting decisions, and I sometimes see folks who shouldn't be parents of any kids, much less two or ten or fourteen.
When single moms bear children, we make them the scapegoats. But here's a few questions no one is asking. Whether you have one child, or fourteen, why is it okay to live in a society that doesn't guarantee health care for children? Whether you have one child, or fourteen, why are child care and education privileges rather than guarantees? Sure, you can call Nadya Suleman crazy for wanting that seventh kid--but the responsibility for them being raised well should not be hers alone to bear.
UPDATE:
Interestingly, Nadya Suleman makes the same argument--that single parents are "under the microscope" in a different way than traditionally coupled parents--on the Today Show. I still think that's true, but Nadya herself makes me a little nervous (yikes what about that plastic surgery?). Here's a clip--
