In The Other Side of Desire, NY Times writer Daniel Bergner chronicles the erotic lives of 4 fetishists in what I consider one of the most sensitive, thoughtful, provacative books I've ever read on fetishists. A chapter is dedicated to each of their stories. The chapter entitled "The Phantom of the Opera" is dedicated to a foot fetishist named Jeff, who struggles deeply with his obsession. He tries to out himself to his wife and tries to fulfill his desires with sex work (which left him feeling "humiliated"). Jeff ultimately decides to pursue psychiatric help. As part of his treatment he is put on an anti-androgen called Lupron; essentially, he is chemically castrated. He felt that he was a freak with an unacceptable desire. He was half right. That his sexual urges and desires were focused on feet is what would be deemed an unacceptable desire. He wanted to be rid of it. He wanted to relinquish the ecstasy he experienced when he capitulated to his love of feet. H
e wanted to be normal.
I'm a fetishist. Ever since I was a little girl, I've desired breasts in an insatiable way. They are the centerpiece of my complex erotic bouquet (if you will). When I read about Jeff, I wanted to talk to him, offer up my story, offer up my feet, tell him that some of the best sex I've had has been with foot fetishists. But then I realized that Jeff probably knew that. Jeff knows that there are foot fetish websites and magazines. Jeff knows that he can move to San Francisco and evolve his fetish and expressions thereof. But Jeff didn't want that. He wanted to want normal, "vanilla" sex with his normal wife and raise their child to be normal, have a normal job, live in a normal town.
In discussing this with others in class, some other students made very provocative points. Perhaps for people who study sexuality (or are otherwise deeply invested in sexuality), their erotic/sexual identity is the most important part of themselves, the dominant identity. For others, however, their sexual identity may not be. Their identity as a father or a Catholic or any myriad of other identities are far more important. And in the same way that I'm willing to sacrifice living in more conservative cities or friends/family who have sexually conservative views, people like Jeff are willing to sacrifice their deepest erotic pleasure for things that are more important (more pleasurable?) than that.
One of my classmates brought up the fact that we pursue pleasure, and pleasure looks different to everyone. Some people derive great pleasure from their relationship to a deity or the ability to look around their kitchen table and see it populated with children or to be able to get off the way that 95% of the population does. So, is it dogged herd mentality and a system of punishments that keep us into the normal or is there pleasure in the pursuit of normalcy? Foucault certainly thought so.
