On November 1st, my father will turn 73. My mother turned 64 this month. It has never escaped my attention that my parents got a bit of a later start on the whole producing offspring thing. This was not for lack of trying, but in the end, it was fertility drugs that gave my parents the children they wanted. Knowing this, combined with also knowing that they almost didn't get to keep me once I was here because I was born ill, helps me to understand my parents; their concerns, their worries, their protectiveness, their lack of holding back any and all opinions about my life, (and as much as I sometimes hate to admit it, they are often right) and their willingness to do whatever they could for their daughters. In short, I would give them an "A" for excellent parenting.
In a very gender conforming society, oddly, it was my father who was the more physically affectionate of my parents. My mother certainly didn't lack in physical affection (especially when it came to making boo boos better, which was her specialty as she was a RN), but it was my father that I remeber playing with both my sister and I. My favorite was "clock", where he'd pick me up by my ankles and swing me back and forth while I giggled and he made clock noises (yes, it was an exciting childhood). As I watch my father get older, it is these memories that I hold onto, knowing one day in the not so distant future, these memories will be all I have left.
One set of memories that I hold rather close are my bath time memories. Not so much the bath itself (my sister, being older, would hog the deeper end of the bath so I didn't get as much hot water. This may still be a point of contention), but after the bath. My sister and I would dry off as much as little girls dry off, and then race to the couch wrapped in our towels to cuddle on the couch with our father (and our beloved dog). With each of us leaning against him, our towels haphazrdly covering our bodies, we would snuggle with our father as he read us a bedtime story. I can almost remember my favorite story, can see some of the pictures from the book in my mind, but that detail escapes me. The detail that doesn't escape me though was feeling safe and content. My father was my protector.
In a way, this memory makes me sad. Not because there was anything unhappy about it, not because my sister often hogged the dog as much as she hogged the deep end of the bath, but because I know that somewhere in this society is a person, maybe more than one, who would read what I just wrote and wonder if there was something "funny" going on. There is someone out there who would wonder at the appropriateness of a father cuddling his daughters when they were covered in only a bath towel. Yes, somewhere out there is a person who would spoil what I consider a dear memory with possible implications of something not innocent, not pure, and not loving. I know this because someone, more than one someones in fact, did that with a family in Arizona who happened to use the ever growing technology we have at our disposal to actually record via camera a happy bathtime between three little girls and their father. Below is a link to one of the stories ran on abc news.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/arizona-couple-suing-bathtime-photos-prompt-wal-mart/story?id=8624533
I realize that sexual abuse happens. I realize that one should not turn a blind eye towards the abuse of a child (or anyone). But, I also wonder exactly how sick our society has become when something as innocent as bathtime photos, photos that many families cherish, become a point of suspicion of abuse. This family lost their children for a month to the state, they were scrutinized, their home searched, personal possessions confiscated as evidence, and they were labeled as "sex offenders" (a label that needs no official stamp, is often applied before a verdict in court by the public, and leaves an ugly stain even if allegations are found to be baseless, as in this case), all because someone judged this family's happy bath time photos as indecent. To make matters worse, the little girls were subject to invasive medical procedures to check for any signs of sexual abuse. As an adult female, my least favorite visit to my physician involves a speculum, but at least I know why this is a necessity. For three little girls, having been taken in what I imagine was a stressful and terrifying ordeal by strangers, transported to a medical office, poked at, prodded in places they have been told no one is supposed to prod them in, then asked vague questions about their parents that they probably didn't quite understand (I imagine it went something like this: "does daddy ever touch you down there? How does that make you feel?"). I wonder: who really abused these girls?
This story is not common, at least not so common that a new case happens everyday and is exploded all over the news I religiously surf the net for. There have been art shows suspended over pictures of nude children (one in particular happened in Australia and involved a piece of artwork owned by Sir Elton John and created by artist Nan Goldin, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-483748/Elton-John-defends-photograph-seized-child-porn-art-raid.html), and awhile back I read something about a man being arrested because he pointed his camera in the direction of a naked child on a public beach. However, regardless of how common these stories hit the mainstream media, the results appear to be the same: there is a public outcry over child pornography. Even in the case of the Arizona family, while the court threw the case out and the judge determined the pictures were not an indication of abuse, certain news outlets made it pretty clear that the Wal mart emploee did the right thing, because "what if"?
I wonder "what if?" too. What if I lived in a society that wasn't so negatively sex obsessed that even a precious family moment is turned into allegations of child abuse? What if I lived in a society that wasn't so intent on finding monsters under childrens beds that oftentimes society puts the monsters under childrens beds? What if I lived in a society where nudity didn't equate with sex or dirty or sin? What if I lived in a society with a little common sense?
Recently, I read Judith Levine's Harmful to Minors for both an assignment and as part of my thesis reading. Chapter 10, titled "Good Touch" covers a great deal of ground regarding the current anxiety that parents and professionals that work with children feel regarding touch and children (but I suggest the whole book, it's a great read). Parents worry that touch will be misconstrued by others as abuse, while professionals worry about the same thing. The results are policies that ban professionals from touching the children they work with and parents wondering when Child Protective Services will be knocking on their door. What's worse, Levine points out that parents themselves may question if touches that were once considered common are actually abuse (one example she gives is of a father who bathes with his daughter wondering if he is "doing something harmful to his child", 181, because his daughter sees his penis). I also wonder what the effect will be on a generation of children who grow up either with little touch, or being confused over whether the touch was "good" or "bad". But I'm sure they'll be able to find a therapist who will be able to help them understand just how "bad" the touch was.
The very laws that have been enacted to protect children are the very laws that are hurting them. Google "zero tolerance" and "touching", and you will find a slew of articles and blogs related to schools that have enacted no touching rules. No holding hands, no quick pecks on the cheek, no hugs. Sounds like a fun school experience (I remember the days of high school hugging; when an administrative person told my freshman boyfriend and I to seperate because we were hugging "too long", I got testy. This administrative person said "it looks like more then what I get", and I commented back "you don't get much, do you?" I didn't even get a reprimand for being a smart ass). Apparently, the administration decided to make sure no lawsuits resulted from sexual harassment charges. Looks like that abstinence message is getting pounded in solidly. Then there's sexting. When we start putting kids in jail, charging them with a crime for possessing naked pictures of . . . themselves, there's a problem (not to mention the message we are sending kids about their own lack of agency and the dangerousness of their bodies). And ultimately, when the state can take away happy children because mom and dad wanted to memorialize happy bath time moments, we need to examine what (or who) it is exactly that children need protection from.
What if I lived in a time where I could have my happy memories, my intimate moments, my hugs, touches, and banter all without wondering who was scrutinizing, looking, searching, and accusing me or someone I cared about of "inappropriate" behavior?
Thank you
Mike on Oct 16, 2009 06:17am