Taking the Lead

The setting was the same as always. A dark dance floor with a disco ball slowly twirling above casting speckled white light on the walls and floor.  The dancers wore the same clothing, polished boots and belt buckles, occasionally a cowboy hat.  There were some in classic cowboy shirts with pearl buttons, others wore t shirts with beer logos blazoned across the front.  We all stood in a group, eagerly awaiting the dance instructor’s direction. And with one word, the instructor created a safe and welcoming environment. 

“Leads.  Raise your hand.  If you would like to lead the dancing tonight, please raise your hand.  Okay follows, find a lead.”  We all paired up and got ready for the next instruction. 

I was relieved to hear the instructor’s word choice.  For four years of lessons in partner dances, this is what I had always heard:

“Men line up facing me.  Women, line up across from your partner.” 

And, always, there I would be, the lone woman standing with the men.  What I wanted was a lesson on how to lead, and what I got was a lesson in not being included.  I had instructors who often tried to use the word “lead”, but usually it only lasted for the first time or two.  Then they would roll their eyes, smile at me apologetically, and start saying “men” again each time they referred to the role of the lead. 

By choosing the term, lead, the first instructor chose to be inclusive.  He chose to focus on the issue: dancing. He did not choose to add any other meaning to the group of people participating in the dance. My previous instructors, however, chose to be exclusive.  They chose to embed gender roles in their language.  And, in doing so, changed the atmosphere in the class. In my new class, I feel like I am part of a community.  I can dance with anyone and anyone can dance with me.  In other classes, I always felt like a visitor.  I never really felt like I was part of the lesson in an important way.

The literature on sexuality education is new to me.  Yet, in the little reading I have done thus far, a common theme is the exclusive nature of the current language of sexuality education.   Until the language changes, we will be stuck in the same dance, the one between a man and a woman.  It’s time to make a change.  I will lead.  Will you follow?