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It's Never too Late, Susan Boyle

Thu, Apr 16, 2009 at 01:30:48am   ►by Joyce Nishioka   ►

Susan BoyleEveryone loves to see an underdog come out on top. This week the world got a particularly sweet taste of that: Susan Boyle, a homely, forty-seven-year-old contestant on Britain’s Got Talent wowed the audience and judge Simon Cowell by singing “I Dream a Dream.” So far, a YouTube video of that performance has been viewed close to 16 million times.

As if trying to cement her dark horse status, before Ms. Boyle stepped on stage she described herself as living alone and having never been kissed. So she’s a virgin, too!

While some adult virgins choose their status, many don’t, and that probably includes Ms. Boyle. She called her situation a “shame”. And most of us would probably agree. In general, virginity after a certain age loses its allure and becomes a curse. Anyone who hasn’t “done it” by twenty-one is generally seen as an oddball.

A bit surprising, though, is that Ms. Boyle is far from alone. In fact, there are an estimated 228,000 adult virgins in the United States. And here and there on the Internet, they have broken their silence. They are men and women from all backgrounds. Some suffer from social anxiety. Others say once they passed a certain age, dating became awkward and so relationships never got off the ground or fizzled early.

There is good news and bad news for Ms. Boyle and other adult virgins. The bad news is that after a quick Internet search, there seems to be little support or serious discussions about sexuality for the nonsexual. Considering that many adult virgins say their status has left them feeling socially isolated, that’s unfortunate.

On the other hand, sex experts and organizations, including the NSRC, are advocating for life-long sex education and the right to pleasure at any age. In other words, it’s never too late to get in touch with your sensuality. Online dating is one option. Sites like perfectmatch.com, even offer relationship advice (in this case from NSRC Board President Pepper Schwartz). When dating is not the goal, there are sites, like Babeland.com for example, that sell sex toys and offer tips for single users.

For those who feel they need more help, there are numerous legitimate sex counselors. The American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists, of which NSRC is a member, offers referrals. And for people in San Francisco, Katherine Forsythe at Get a Second Wind offers private coaching and counseling.

So, Ms. Boyle, there is light ahead. When you sang on Britain’s Got Talent, we were touched because it felt like you were telling eveyone your story:

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living

In this case, though, life shouldn't imitate art.

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Comments

great blog...

Love the connections you made to the work of NSRC, Joyce. But I wonder two things--first, about the whole idea of 'virginity' and what it means. 'Never been kissed' is a whole lot clearer to me--but the mystique and assumed shared understanding of virginity is always something I want to see picked apart a little. And second, perhaps she doesn't need to 'fix' anything--some of our asexually-identified allies might argue that the problem here is in the labeling of her lack of sexual experience as shameful or wrong. Of course, if she wants things to change, that's a different story. But maybe the lesson here is also that we all need to look more closely--still--at how sexuality gets stigmatized all the way around...

ann whidden on Apr 16, 2009 08:57am

virginity: a necessary measuring stick?

Joyce, thank you for connecting Susan Boyle to the issue of virginity and her sexuality. Terrific blog. I'd like to add my perspective, as a sex educator and intimacy and relationship coach for midlife and beyond (thank you for the reference to my blog, getasecondwind.com above). My clients (and myself) have learned that being a virgin has nothing to do with measuring sexuality. In fact, I’d be happy if we dropped that word completely. It has become a measuring stick. You either are, or you aren’t. As excellent as your blog is, I would take issue with your statement, "sexuality for the nonsexual" [referring to virginity]. We all get a package in life. If yours doesn’t include intercourse (my definition of virgin), that has NOTHING to do with whether or not you are a sexual person! I guarantee that the Susan Boyles of the world have found a ways to satisfy themselves sexually, whether they profess it or not. Self pleasuring is a perfectly fine way to celebrate sexuality. Touching with friends intimately works for some, as well. Dressing to please your skin allows you to feel sensual. Dating sites can get even the oddest of couples together - if that’s what you want. In any case, I think it's time for all of us to stop this measurement of whether one is a "virgin", taking the emphasis off intercourse, and allowing people of all ages to be just plain sexual, in their own way, in their own time. Thanks, Joyce, for bringing the issue to light.

Kat Forsythe, MSW on Apr 20, 2009 12:39pm