NSRC: National Sexuality Resource Center

  • Join Us

    Blog, talk back, and get connected in the Dialogues Network.

Home › Blogs & Talk › Jessica Fischer's Personal Blog › New Virginity Paradigm

New Virginity Paradigm

Wed, Dec 02, 2009 at 12:03:28pm   ►by Jessica Fischer   ►

    Virginity, as a concept, is weird. With a single act of a penis into a vagina, boys become men and girls become used. Gay people don’t count.

    When I was a teen I was obsessed with my virginity. I wore a chain around my waist to represent my special status and planned to give it to the man who deflowered me. I imagined the perfect scenario: with my boyfriend on prom night in the back of a limo. Of course, fantasy sparkles better than reality nad few things go exactly as planned.

    I lost my virginity had penetrative sex for the first time with a guy I barely knew, in a place far from home and it lasted for all of 5 minutes after I bugged him for a good 3 hours to stick his dick in me. (I felt a bit weighed down by the virginity thing after a while. And the chain was annoying.)

    Afterwards I remember thinking That was dumb and feeling a weird regret because it was all over so fast. My special moment in life was highly underwhelming and I began to think that women everywhere were being bamboozled. For years I could not understand how any female could enjoy having sex.

    Here’s why: sex itself isn’t the special moment so many people rave about. We get excited about orgasm/sexual pleasure not sticking a body part into a bodily orifice.

    I propose a new virginity definition: you are a virgin until you have an orgasm. Virginity denotes inexperience and a person “loses” their virginity after having that experience.

    So let’s stop thinking about virginity in terms of penis-in-the-vagina. All this paradigm creates is a world focused on heterosexual baby-making instead of allowing sexual pleasure for everyone. We need to focus on the first orgasm as that special experience that can fundamentally change you and the way you see yourself and the larger world.

    In this light, the time I lost my virginity was awesome and still one of my fondest memories.

    Bookmark/Search this post with:
    • Bookmark this post on del.icio.us.
    • Digg this post on digg.com.
    • Submit this post on reddit.com.
    • Submit this post on furl.net.
    • Menéa este post en Menéame.
    • Submit this post on tec.fresqui.com.
    • Share on Facebook.

    Comments

    virginity

    Thats actually how I already define the moment I 'lost' mine. The guy I was dating at the time had no idea why I wasn't so emotional over the idea of a dick (his) being in me for the first time. I thought, I've had mine and your fingers in me, your tongue, etc, I know what an orgasm feels like, so whats a dick to me? I'm not losing it, it's gone.

    Anonymous on Dec 02, 2009 12:15pm

    while you were sleeping...

    While I do think that this may be a potentially empowering paradigm in terms of women's sexuality, how are we to think about this new idea of virginity in terms of men's sexuality? If the concept is to claim ownership of our own pleasure through orgasm, how do young men's wet dreams play into this schema?

    Michael McNamara on Dec 02, 2009 12:47pm

    partners

    I like this new definition of virginity but think of it in terms of an orgasm with a partner. Re: while you were sleeping, plenty of girls' first orgasms happen without anyone else present as well and male sexuality could fall under this same umbrella. Women also experience orgasm while asleep and they are under as little conscious control as a male's wet dreams.

    Anonymous on Dec 02, 2009 08:35pm

    experience

    While I like the idea of changing the definition of virginity away from penile-vaginal intercourse, I'm not sure that focusing solely on orgasm is the right direction either. Is an orgasm always a life changing event, with or without a partner? What about people who never have orgasms for myriad reasons (medical, psychological, or partner incompatibility)? Are they doomed to live as "virgins" for the rest of their lives, simply because they don't come? Perhaps they still have fulfilling sex lives even without the big-O. To me, a more life-altering experience would be the first time I felt a strong emotional bond with someone. Or a first kiss that actually meant something. Or the first time I moved in with a partner and started to share my daily life with them. I don't know the answer, but maybe the focus shouldn't be on virginity at all. We all have such diverse life experiences that the word can't possibly describe any level of experience, especially when you start getting into the murky definitions of "technical virgin". Maybe if American's had other rites of passage into adulthood besides sex and drinking alcohol, the focus on virginity (and drinking for that matter) would be defused.

    Jennifer Rehor on Dec 03, 2009 11:26am

    sex vs. virginity

    I agree that ideally the whole idea of virginity should subside. It just doesn't fit properly into how society in this day and age work. Would it make more sense to focus on a new definition of sex? In terms of orgasms, sex could be the intention of orgasm. And other forms of being sexual to not come to orgasm? Hmmm, that is equally complicated.

    Rebecca Kapler on Dec 03, 2009 02:26pm

    Opiate for Sunday Masses

    Not only is the concept of virginity as it currently stands bizarre, but it's utterly pointless and oppressive, and more often than not painfully heteronormative. Well, it's a great way to garner feelings of shame and ineptitude, like the girl who "spoiled" herself and is therefore a disgrace to her parents, peers, and parish community, or the boy who needs to finally "prove himself" and his manhood by making it with someone, anyone, while using coercion if necessary. Virginity is not a fine wine, and it typically doesn't get better with age. Classist analogy aside, wine tastings are meant to enhance your appreciation of wine, not stymy it. I realize my comment isn't very considerate of the forms of empowerment and other meanings folks get from our current virginity paradigm. I'm sure (an incredibly finite amount of) people can talk about how great their first time was with someone, and/or how they "lost it" with someone special (I happened to be lucky enough to fall into that camp), or how virginity fits into their secular or spiritual ideological worldview, or how it's something to hold onto before finding the one they're "meant for," who of course they'll find in their lifetimes out of the billions of people in the world, because of the grace of god or fate or money or convenience, but the whole concept of virginity is grounded in nothing but vile ascetic shame and should be either changed or simply erased from our collective consciousness much like the 49ers' annual pre-October, post-December playoff hopes.

    Walter Scott Campbell on Dec 06, 2009 09:35pm