Unintentional Lessons

We learn about sex from the least aware of teachers.  I'm thinking of the giraffe, at the zoo, who informed the young me about erections.  And the boys who antagonized me for "sticking out my tits", until I learned to change my posture.  And the gym teacher with all those slides of enflamed herpes.  Messages are deliberate, they are casual.  We learn, we are conditioned.  Rinse, repeat. 

I love paying attention to the subtle sex-related messages we are all sending out and taking in.  Are they shameful?  Frightening?  Playful?  Exciting?  I used to co-facilitate an after-school program for adolescent girls, and for an activity (unrelated to sex), we once gave the girls toy whistles.  Before we could explain, they wondered:

"Are these rape whistles?"   Another girl countered, "how about consent whistles?!"   

My mentoring partner loved this.  "Sure! Consent whistles!  So when you're really into it, you blow it!" 

When she realized her slip, she laughed as hard and shamelessly as anyone in the room.  I like to think the girls will remember her lack of embarrassment, and the message her reaction implies:  sex is fun, it's funny, blowjobs rock, consent is the best.

This same mentor was later criticized by our organization for the way she dressed.  She didn't care.  I often imagine what it would have meant to adolescent me, to see a woman standing tall, boots, breasts, whatever she wanted, anything but hidden.  Maybe I would have stood tall too.  Indeed, when we asked the girls to write about their experience in the program, almost all of them wrote about this woman: her sexy bravado, her ability to be both feminine and challenging.  Okay, those are my words, but only because I know what the girls mean.

When I think back to my own childhood influences, I have to say, I'm thankful for the giraffe.  At least he was excited, having fun, and not showing me slides of enflamed herpes. 

So, what am I sending out into the world?  Not just curriculum.  I hope to also embody my values.