Making Shame Useful

May we all find salvation, in professions that heal ~ Shawn Colvin

         Hello, my name is Breetel Shy, and I have a confession to make. Talking about sexuality scares the shit out of me. I can discuss the history of masturbation, teach a roomful of highschoolers how to use a condom, and debate the implications of abstinence-only education without blushing, but ask me to tell a sexual partner that I want him to go down on me or that sometimes I’d rather masturbate than have sex, and I need to prepare for a week. When talking about sexuality is personal, it’s a whole other ballgame.

            I grew up in a very religious household. My mom is so into God, that she named all of her children Hebrew variations of one basic sentiment- God Rocks. In our house, sexuality was not talked about except to say that sex could make babies and it should happen in marriage. In school, the take home message was always, Just Say No…Or else. At nine years old I remember overhearing my oldest sister talk about losing her virginity on the phone. I cried for weeks. I wrote letters to God and put them under my bed, praying that my sister wouldn’t die. My parents never said anything bad about masturbation but because they didn’t say anything, I thought that was bad too. I made countless New Year’s Resolutions to quit masturbating but could never follow through and felt totally ashamed.

            At some point, I found books, and feminists, and movies and friends and got ‘liberated’, which is to say, I finally began to understand that sexuality could be a GOOD thing. That realization changed my life, but the shame and guilt that lingers from my childhood is a wound that might never totally heal. And I’m certain that I am not the only person with these scars.

             As someone who will be considered a “Master” of sexuality study in a few years, I find myself constantly wondering, What can my experience of sexuality shame and fear teach me about how to help others deal with and transform this pain?

            The answer I keep coming to, is this: Meet people where they are at and have an endless reserve of compassion. As an undergraduate, I was part of a peer sexuality education club. At our weekly meetings to discuss event planning and outreach strategies, I found myself continually frustrated and didn‘t know why. In retrospect, I am realizing that it felt like our club was trying to shock people into open-mindedness. We decorated the office with condom art, our events were filled with penis balloons, and many members were known to shout PENIS!, VAGINA! and CUNT! through the hallways. But we never had public discussions about why it was important to learn to say these words. We created tension, which I think is necessary, but we did not provide a space to help people work through and understand their discomfort.

            Sexuality education that does not teach people how to manage fear without running away from it, is irresponsible. We need to teach people how to be compassionate with themselves. To understand that is okay to feel shy or insecure, but that it is possible to transcend even our deepest fears. We need to teach people how to recognize in the first place, that they are afraid. We need to establish a vocabulary for talking about the scary emotions that come up when we confront something that the majority of the world says you should NEVER confront. We need to be proud of the achievements we make in becoming more comfortable with sexuality, but we also need to accept that others may not have come that far yet.

         I hope in the next two years of this program, I can help figure out how to do this.