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Why does talking about race scare me?

Wed, Jun 24, 2009 at 04:59:29pm   ►by Christopher White   ►

Because I'm white.  I'm a white, highly educated (over educated?) gay man and any discussion of race raises my pulse, causes me to feel flush and hot, and makes me completely uncomfortable.  I'm also the Director of a Summer Institute that is focusing on issues regarding Race, Gender, and Sexuality in the United States this summer, so you can imagine that I've been thinking and talking about race quite a bit these days.  When I talk to other white folks about race, I feel frustrated.  When I talk to folks of color about race, I feel nervous. I've spent some time reflecting on why this might be and am starting to understand a little about myself.

I'm learning that I'm afraid to talk about race because I fear that I will be called a racist. I think that white people, particularly liberal white people, particularly liberal white people who believe they are fighting for social justice and civil rights, are scared to death of being called a racist. We live in SAN FRANCISCO! How can we be racist?  We're the good ones not those horrible red-kneck, Neo-Nazis. We're on your side! (stealing from Sarah Silverman, "We love ethnics!") At the same time, I know that not only am I racist but I am part of a larger systemic and institutional problem that promotes and enforces racism. I also know that no matter how much legislation is passed or how many policy changes are made the notion of equality is a fiction as long as we live in a society where the distribution of wealth and power is so out of whack.

And white gay people...we've felt the pain of violence and discrimination; it's true.  We have a right to fight for the same rights for our relationships that are bestowed upon heterosexual couples, and we have the right to fight for the privilege of not being fired, losing our job, or being denied housing because we're gay. of course, I still move through the world as a white man. I don't know what it feels like to be in a different body, with different colored skin, to be gay and something else. And the gay rights movement is not the same as the civil rights movement. Stop saying it. It's embarrassing, and you sound ignorant.  The LGBTQ civil rights movement is important, but it's a different struggle.  White gay activists believe that they are fighting for the rights of ALL LGBTQ people. And they are the white people who are most afraid of being called a racist and would much rather just avoid the whole messy race thing anyway.

So I am struggling as to what to do. How to help. How to stop being one of the liberal, educated, bleeding heart, gay white activists. I am struggling with how to get all of the loud, mostly white, mostly focused on marriage equality people to stop all their shouting.  I want to force them to understand that what they are doing is in some ways harmful and is disrespectful.  I don't know what to do, and it makes me feel weak.

I haven't figured much of anything out and maybe I never will. I'm starting to understand that not only is it okay for me to feel uncomfortable talking about race but I probably should feel uncomfortable.  I am realizing that I need to listen more - not ask questions, not tell anyone what I think is best for them, just listen for a little while. I think that I have to be okay with being uncomfortable about talking about race and just be uncomfortable. Be conscious, but not get defensive when my racism gets pointed out to me. I need to show up for community events, meetings, film screenings, discussions, demonstrations, protests (and not just the white gay ones), whatever, and be engaged even when I'm tired and lazy and just want to curl up on the couch and watch the most recent episode of True Blood. 

I'm going to end a on a very cheesy, San Francisco type moment.  We are all in this together. There are groups of people who thrive on seeing us fight one another and beat each other down.  We can't let them get to us.  Stand up for each other, arm in arm, and make a difference together.  (sorry, y'all! San Francisco is making me a softie, cheeseball.)

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Comments

Thank you

I really appreciate this blog and can relate to it in so many ways. I join you in the white (over)educated person department, although I am a female and not gay. I often feel like a phony when trying to discuss issues around race for the very same fears you listed. I'm also challenging myself by starting in a whole new discipline (sociology) that I know is going to challenge most if not all of my boundaries around this issue in ways that scare the crap out of me, but make me excited about the process. I'm also excited about becoming a San Francisco cheeseball in the very near future. :)

Natalie on Jun 24, 2009 07:44pm

hey cheeseball

i often feel the same way with all forms of diversity (age, ability, race, religion, sexuality etc..). yes...listening i think is key....asking questions, knowing when to speak up with resources/information/networks that would possibly help. ongoingly learning from diverse communities exactly how to best be an ally and then being it. thank you for this posting. we're never going to get anywhere without this level of honesty.

Joy O'Donnell on Jun 25, 2009 09:57am

from me to you

As a queer woman of color who daily engages in the experiences of race, sexuality, and gender I would say this: It is is perfectly normal to feel scared. That's the first step. Examining one's own privilege be it class wise, race wise, gender wise, ability wise ect, is never an easy task. But what's important is understanding that feeling uncomfortable and challenging yourself to be in an uncomfortable position will have its rewards. I will echo your sentiments on listening and attending more community events. By attending community events it allows you the opportunity to educate yourself on issues affecting certain communities you may not be entirely connected with, and by listening to individual stories will help you garner more truly genuine perspectives of living as such. You are already aware of your privileges, and have examined yourself as such, (trust many folks don't), so you're already a step in the right direction. Give yourself a little slack sometimes :)

Nicole Marie Lopez on Jun 25, 2009 01:27pm

I Appreciate This

Thank you so much for your honesty. It is not often that this kind of self-reflection is seen. I would also like to admit that as a person of color discussions of race are uncomfortable for me as well. And I hate in these struggles that we get lost in the whole comparing apples and oranges. What I know is that the only way to grow is to be uncomfortable.

Felicia Bridges on Jun 25, 2009 08:48pm

Great post, Chris!

Chris -- thank you for your post, and thank you for being so honest. I'll disagree with one thing - you're uncomfortable talking about race, not because you're white, but because the subject matter is ALWAYS uncomfortable. As a person of color, I'm always uneasy when the topic of race comes up - whether I'm in a racially and ethnically diverse group, exclusively of color, or as the lone person of color among whites. In fact, I HATE talking about race. And, I agree - it's for the very reason you mentioned. We all fear being accused of racism or having to suspect others of being racist. I find that this is the very reason why open dialogues about race are stifled. We cannot get past the racist-blame game and recognize that the racial inequality we witness today is not the act of lone racists, but a racist system. If we own up to this simple fact, we can move on to begin to talk frankly about how to address it: we're all racists. Good, now that that's established, let's move on! Let's talk about how to address the system now.

Eric Anthony Grollman on Jul 04, 2009 01:37pm

my peeps

I actually thought that this blog was really good, and great for a section on stigma.It deals with issues of racisim,and class from a white perspective(something I am not familiar with) and also deals with the fear of the stigma associated with being scene as a racist white person.

Anonymous on Jul 10, 2009 11:35am