Reading Jaih’s blog and listening to her thesis proposal triggered personal reflections on my own relationship history. I’ve had 3 main sexual relationships in my life and all 3 have been friends with benefits (FWB).

My first FWB was when I was 15 and he is the guy I lost my virginity to. We continued having casual sex with each other for a couple of months and then it went in a direction that it typically doesn’t go. He fell for me hard and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to be in an official relationship with him and didn’t agree to be his girlfriend right away. I eventually caved in since he was a really great guy, the sex was amazing, and I didn’t really have any other viable prospects anyways. We actually stayed together for 2 ½ years until I ended it right before I graduated high school.

There are so many sexuality equality issues going on right now that I keep hearing pieces of them.  Yesterday I listened to several hours of the Prop 8 trial online while I was doing work, and the day before that I was listening to all the updates on ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ going on in the Senate.  I never know how I feel about these things until awhile after I stop listening.  I always hear a few quotes that keep me reeling for hours.  Here are some of my thoughts…

Thought 1: I heard this when listening to the Prop 8 trial- “Marriage is supposed to show children that marriage is a place for procreation.”  Okay, first, really?  That is the purpose of marriage?  Riiiight.  Because there a no single parents out there.  No one has ever gotten pregnant without getting married.  So gay people can’t get married because if...

Oral sex... "Black Swan" offers Mila Kunis going down on Natalie Portman to receive an "R" rating, while "Blue Valentine" shows Ryan Gosling in a similar situation with Michelle Williams to receive an "NC-17."  Okay, I haven't seen either of these scenes so I'm not qualified to give the play-by-play about why this is subject for criticism, but it does bring up larger questions about the MPAA.   This article in the LA Times covers the "Black Swan"/"Blue Valentine" controversy, but also the point that the MPAA's prudishness is all the more confusing considering how permissive they are regarding extreme violence in film.  Glorified violence? A-okay!  Bit of pussy-lovin? I should think not! Think of the children!

It kind of reminds me of this documentary I browsed through, and eventually watched (in the pre-grad school, carefree days of mindless netflix indulgence!) This Film Is Not Yet Rated.  I recommend it for your winter break viewing pleasure.  Basically, the film examines differences in the MPAA ratings of high-level violence vs moderate (or even very basic) references to sex.  It's a fairly disturbing look at the association who holds a very...

I was listening to NPR today (or yesterday?) and heard a really scary piece on child prostitution in Oakland.  There are so many bad things going on around us that it's easy to tune them out.  I mean, I know child prostitution exists, but hearing about how prevelant it is--especially in Oakland is really jarring for someone like me.  There seems to be a growing gap between the third wave feminist educated activist women and the everyday girls and women who are falling through the system's cracks.  The piece talked about how girls end up getting seduced into the lifestyle by their "boyfriends" and have been so victimized (horrible word, but nothing else seems to fit) their whole lives with crappy abusive childhoods and home situations that these girls don't see anything wrong or unusual with prostituting themselves.  Another aspect of the whole thing is that pimping is being glamorized in rap songs--the lyrics they played were just sickening--and books.  I don't really know how this situation can be fixed because although I support legalized prostitution, that wouldn't address teen girls being forced to prostitute themselves.  After all, even if prostitution were legalized and regulated, there would still be illegal prostitution and people willing to prey on girls in tough situations.  Okay, now I'm just depressed.

In a New York Times, online article published on Nov 5th, 2010, Pamela Paul, author of “A is for Abstinence” writes about how a study done by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has found a “decided” link between celibacy and good grades. Now the title of this article caught my attention with the abstinence word, and I was very interested in finding out what they meant by A is for Abstinence. But when I read this brief report, I found it to be very a problematic article because of the cross use of words and the lack of support for her statement. First she uses the term Abstinence in here title of this article but then cites that students who are “celibate” have good grades. Now according to the common use of celibacy, it does not equal or have the same meaning as the term Abstinence, with Abstinence being associated with virginity, where as celibacy can be obtained rather a person is consider a virgin or not.

The next statement she makes that I have a issue with is when she say “Among high school student who earn mostly A’s, 32 percent have had intercourse, compared with 69 percent of their peers with D’s and F’s.” One thing she never states in this article is the...

 In the past 10 years, there has been major culture shift on perceptions of sex-based relationships. Sex-based relationships among young adults has increased drastically, making it practically normal to participate in a sex-based relationship at least once, in a person’s lifetime. These types of relationships have become so mainstream, that you can find dialogues about sex based relationships in magazines like Cosmopolitan, Elle, the New York Times, and other well known and widely read medias. I’m very excited because in 2011 there are going to be two movies coming out about the experiences of a sex-based relationships, one called No Strings Attached, with Aston Kucher and Natalie Portman; and the other called Friends with Benefits, with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. The funny thing is these two movies are very similar, and come out within months from each other, but the good thing, about these movies, is that they are not centered on the college scene (which is where most of the research focused, making it seem as though causal sex only happens in college), but instead the characters are professional young adults, living regular lives.

 I’m excited...

I was thinking about the “Friends, Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk” campaign, which lead to the thought of creating a safe sex campaign with that same idea called “Friends Don’t Let Friends have Unprotected Sex” campaign. Now I know realistically most of the time, friends will not be in the room to prevent the unprotected sex from happening, but friends do have a large influence on some decisions, like drunk driving, unprotected sex, and other dos and don’ts in their social networks.

Now this is just an idea in my head.  I’m actually having a hard time writing this in a way that doesn’t make it seem as though I’m promoting the sex acts to teenagers, but also do want to take the pleasure, and trust out for some adult sexual relationships. And as I think about this, I do recognize that there may be some backlash to this idea. I do believe that this would be a great nation wide campaign that would put the idea in the back of people’s minds, to protect them selves when having sex, but I also know that this could be taken in different directions and looked at in different ways. I can hear certain groups saying “well they should not have any sex until their married, and then they would have to worry about protection” and I could hear other individual couples saying “well my partner and I are monogamous...

I'll admit, I'm one of the people who went to the airport to fly home for Thanksgiving, ready for a fight.  I knew I had two options:  submitting to a full-body scan or a pair of hands down my pants.  Disliking the airport is nothing new, but as I stood in the security line I noticed I was shaking slightly, my heart was racing, I felt nauseous.  I had read about other people reliving trauma in this way.  I was prepared for anger, but here I was too, re-experiencing my own vulnerability.

Finding myself in the old-fashioned metal detector line, my anxiety quieted.  But as I watched people file through the scanner or the pat-downs, I wondered how they were feeling.

At home, reading the online news reports about the proposed resistance to the new security measures, I realized: it's just me, a bunch of white guys, and a few other white women, freaking out.  This is not the group I'm used to protesting with.  Although it may be a function of whose voices make the news, and not representative of reactions or values, I began to wonder.  Is my righteous indignation just white privilege?  I don't think much about getting pulled over and searched on a day-to-day basis, or about having parts of my body swabbed at the gynecologist because I'm in a "high risk" group (read this fabulous blog by our very own, Vanessa...

Being someone who would chose to be in a sexuality studies program and currently immersed in it, I sometimes forget how uptight people can be about the most simplest of things like nudity.  Last week’s cover of Entertainment Weekly (EW) had Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal in a naked embrace with each other shown from the waist up. If you have seen the film they were promoting, Love and Other Drugs, it is quite fitting for them to do a photo shoot like that. The amount of nudity is high in the movie seeing how most of the plot seemed to revolve around the lead characters sleeping together.

There was positive feedback to the EW cover, but my problem is with the negative feedback. One woman disapproved and was all “some of us have kids!” and that’s what gets me. How is it not a positive thing to model that humans can be sexual. Sexuality is such a basic fundamental part of our being that it just blows me away that it keeps getting hidden. I thought the EW cover was a beautiful shot that captured a sense of a healthy, joyous, intimate relationship (the shots were so great apparently that EW issued three different covers- I received the one where they are...

Today is world AIDS day. As someone who has lost friends and family to AIDS related opportunistic infections and as someone who spent several years as an HIV prevention educator, I tend to think about HIV often. Being a grad student in a Sexuality Studies program in San Francisco of all places, there are constant reminders that HIV is still a prevalent health concern. But for some people World AIDS Day is a reminder that AIDS is still an epidemic in this country and in other parts of the world. I know my bubble of sex activists, sex researchers, and sex positivists gives me a skewed view of how much awareness is actually out there about HIV/AIDS.

In honor of World AIDS day, MTV reported that celebrities like Alicia Keys decided to give up their “digital lives” for the Buy Life campaign. These celebrities have canceled their twitter accounts until their fans donate a certain amount of money by texting donations to support the Keep a Child Alive Campaign. While a technology hiatus may seem like a small thing, even to a celebrity, their digital absence is sure garner donations from (and raise awareness of) the pop-culture obsessed, constantly connected crowd. I hope the celebrity followers put their texting fingers to good use.

I am only an occasionally pop culture junkie and by no means an early technology...

With all the talk about marriage, gay or otherwise, occasionally an article will crop up about a issue near and dear to my heart.  And so the Atlantic published an article about “The Spousal Diaspora.”  I’m not necessarily in love with the idea or institution of marriage; it confers a number of rights (particularly related to health and well-being) that I believe should be available to all citizens regardless of marital status.  

In any case, I believe the issue of immigration equality, while affecting a fairly small portion of the population, is one of the more powerful examples of the damage suffered by those who cannot marry.  I agree with Andrew Sullivan when he says, “In fact, very few issues demonstrate so starkly the inequality between gays and straights in America than this. Has any heterosexual American citizen ever doubted for a mili-second that he has a right to marry the person he loves and remain in the land he...

I have a confession to make: I love crafting. I don’t mean the occasional crafting during holiday soirees or birthday parties. I am fully committed to the art that is craft, complete with my vintage 1960’s dining room buffet caulk full of feathers, paint, glitter, markers, leather, and ribbon. You might think my obsession is a little odd, considering I am a 25 year-old student with very little time. But crafting is my release, my “ME” time and my source of constant inspiration.

Recently, I had the opportunity to incorporate my love of crafts with my love of sex and sexuality. During our Cohort-led Class, we devised the following project: to create a visual representation of the most pleasurable part of the body. While crafting may be thought of as juvenile, I believe that it can be an excellent way to explore desires, pleasures, and--as I have found out--the body.

The upcoming issue of Vogue Hommes Japan has incited quite a stir in the blogosphere. In June, the prominent fashion magazine announced that new male model Jo Calderone-- a self-proclaimed muscle car fanatic with a classic look-- would be featured on the cover. Amidst speculation and scandal, however, the brooding brunette was revealed to be none other than the pop star Lady Gaga.

While the singer’s embrace of gender bending has been met positively by several of her fans and media forums, others have not celebrated her newfound expression. Comments range from the “appropriateness” of her gendered presentation to rumors that she is a closeted hermaphrodite.  Gaga’s very public presentation of masculinity clearly tells us one thing: gender play is unsettling—even offensive—to mainstream media outlets. The idea that a pop starlet such as Gaga would experiment with a gender other than a hyper-sexualized femininity is quickly labeled as a “publicity stunt,” ultimately omitting the desires and intent of the singer.

So, what is it about Gaga’s gender reversal that incites so much anger? Annie Lennox from the Eurythmics mixed both the feminine and masculine in performance.

My fellow Americans, BEWARE! Girls Scouts are pushing a pro-feminist, pro-abortion, anti-religious agenda that will destroy the values of this country. We must join together and RESIST THE THIN MINTS in order to protect future generations from these hedonistic young women.

Hans Zeiger, the Republican candidate for the Washington House of Representatives, has allegedly been removing his writings from the Internet, citing a conflict of interest with his current campaign values. He was quoted as saying:

"One might wonder why the Girl Scouts have been spared the painful attacks that have been launched upon the Boy Scouts by the Left in recent years. The reasons are simple: the Girl Scouts allow homosexuals and atheists to join their    ranks, and they have become a pro-abortion, feminist training corps. … If the Girl Scouts of America can’t...

I worked at the shithole of a restaurant for three years. I made my way up the ladder, from server to manager by the time I finished college. While I made a ridiculous amount of money, I dealt with a lot of harassment and humiliation from drunk college boys and self-entitled Berkeley students. But I kept my mouth shut (most of the time), served those hamburgers and milkshakes, and worked 8+ hour shifts with no breaks. Welcome to the service industry.

I quickly learned that the way I dressed influenced the amount of money that I received in tips. Although we were required to wear a black shirt and jeans, I worked this to my advantage. A V-neck shirt was much better for my pocket books than a crew cut shirt. Tight pants were a must. And on the busiest days, I would wear some leggings with a short skirt. I also tailored my apron so it was short and “more feminine.” A long apron was unflattering and would surely decrease my tips for the night.

I would make friendly banter with people that I had no interest in actually being friends with. And this chat would change with my target audience. Kids? Great. I love kids. Even though your child is completely obnoxious and screaming, he or she is my new favorite. Drunk college boys? Also great. I love your stupid jokes and demeaning looks. I hope you will...

The Vagina that Bites

A couple of weeks ago my sister told me of an article she read. It was about condoms designed to protect against rape. As she went on to explain the article and the sharp “teeth” in the condom made to harm the attacker’s penis I could not believe it until I saw the Marie Clare article for myself.

Sure enough my sister was right.  After doing a little more research on the topic I found the Rape-aXe condom was developed by a female South African doctor, Dr. Ehlers, who witnessed the devastating effects rape has on a victim. Development of the condom took about four years but it now available to women in that region and was distributed during the World Cup in South Africa this year.

The basic idea of the condom is to stop a rape in progress (or even better, deter would-be-rapists to do not want to take their chances) by shocking the attacker with significant pain to his penis creating an opportunity for the victim to run away.  The latex condom, which a women would have already in place before she is attacked, has small hooks on the inside that become painfully attached to the penetrator’s penis. These hooks require urgent medical attention as...

On Nov. 5, 2010, Courtney Gillette (on afterellen.com) presented the calling for butch celebrities for Sinclair Sexsmith's 2010 Top Hot Butches--a follow-up of her 2009 list.

I'm not a frequent AfterEllen visitor nor do I keep up with the latest celebrity coming out stories and this article solidified my reasonings. 

I cannot argue against Sinclair Sexsmith's motives. The image of a lesbian has become distorted to one identity all thanks to our great media system. Sexsmith wants visibility. Her reasons for wanting a Top 100 Butch representation definitely counters AfterEllen's annual hot 100--a list based on our contemporary standards of beauty. Whether or not this is effective is where my confusion and hostility derives.

Creating a list (and therefore, space) for butches becomes hidden behind the fact that AfterEllen user and readers are already included in the realm of queer (see: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, etc.) space. I don't know about you but I'm not sure I know any heterosexuals who are AfterEllen aficionados nor do I agree that AfterEllen can be seen as mainstream media.. for the entire U.S. Creating this list supports our society's hierarchal need to...

At least not when playing Boggle on my iphone.  Neither is "shit" or "shat".  Really?  Have I been playing regular Boggle wrong this whole time?!  Is there some rule that "naughty" words can't be used?  I imagine "cunt" isn't a word either.  How dare they!  How dare they rewrite and censor the english language to suit their needs.  Did Boggle need a pg rating for play?  Were they afraid some 10 year old would ask their parent's what a slut was (as if they wouldn't already know)?  I don't imagine anyone younger than that would be playing anyway.  Did some group of grandmothers band together and shame the makers into making their game squeeky clean?  I don't know about you, but half the fun for is spotting "bad" words.  I'll never forget the time I found "clitoris".  No idea if that word's acceptable under the iphone rules.  Just one more thing that makes me shake my head sadly.

People in Denver don't seem to like animal print. It at least marks you as an outsider. Cheetah print and fishnets were all I'd packed for my weekend, so there was simply nothing to be done.

I get into Denver International Airport at 8:30pm, fresh from my first visit to Texas. Frontier Airlines serves warm chocolate chip cookies. They cook them during the flight, and so this tiny plane is infused with cookie perfume. It’s calming in a way that hermetically-sealed shimmery bags of pretzels just aren’t.

I get to my hotel around 10pm. The cumpolsory email-checking for which my generation is known ensues. I’m in Denver for the National Women’s Studies Association Annual Meeting. I’m presenting my research on fat women of color. I look at the conference schedule. Tomorrow. 9:20am: Indigenous Feminisms.

Shit. 9am....

After reading Stephanie's post, I've been thinking about how much time I spend on my hair.  Not just on my head, but all my hair.  I spend a great deal of time manipulating and removing the hair on my body (which is just odd considering humans are mammals and that's one of our traits).  Not only do I dye my hair about every 6 weeks , but I pluck my eyebrows, epilate my chin hairs (an epilator is an electrical tweezer with  anywhere from 1 to 30 tweezers), pluck my nipple hair (yes, I'll admit it), shave my armpits, groom my pubes and shave my legs.  Whew!  Just imagine what I could do if I spent all that time on something else!  I'd probably waste it anyway, but it's the potential that counts.  Instead, I obsessively check my chin- do my hairs need plucking?, check my underarms--do I need to shave?  As I get older electrolyosis seems like less and less of a crazy idea....

I, for lack of a better word, enjoy reading the online reactions to the end of funding for abstinence-only education.  There is a lot about socialism and big government, and about how Obama will eventually take all of our children as soon as they are born, instead of waiting until they are old enough to be in school.  There are the expected tales of depravity, that children are learning to "spit or swallow", that Democrats are perverse, disgusting, deviant.  All this I expect.  

But there is another reaction, popular and a bit different.  It has a quiet type of exasperation, a subtle "common-sensibility" to it.  This reaction focuses ostensibly on the general failings of compulsory education.  Comprehensive sex education opponents are worried about spending more time and energy teaching about sexuality, when kids in the US are lagging behind other countries in their performance of the conceived fundamentals of knowledge: reading, writing, and math.

Furthermore, schools which do not meet contrived standards in these most "rigorous" of areas are accused of losing...

I just started reading Straight to Jesus and it evokes such sadness and almost hopelessness in me because Christian religions preach that being gay is wrong/sinful and causes such harm in so many lives. I was brought up as Mormon and recall the clear messages sent on how masturbation isn’t ok, heterosexuality is the only sexuality, no sex until marriage, and imposed the age of 16 before I was allowed to date. I was baptized at 8 years old, which is the age everyone gets it done if you were raised in this church. Even at that young age, I seriously did not want to get baptized and cleanse myself of any sins because I was eight years old. I knew I was going to be committing numerous “sins” as I grew older and would’ve much preferred to get baptized late into my twenties. But being a little kid, I couldn’t tell my parents that “no, I will not get baptized because I know I will be doing things I will have to repent for” plus that would bring such embarrassment and shame to my family.

I am fortunate to be the youngest in my blended family. As all my older siblings stopped going to church as...

The Girl Scout’s Research Institute recently released Who’s that Girl?, a new study about girls and social media. I am thrilled that more research is focused on the experiences of young girls online, especially since this population is often overlooked within technology studies. Here are some highlights from the study. The sample consisted of over 1000 girls aged 14-17:

-Within online venues, girls often describe themselves as funny, fun, and social. However, there is disconnect between their online and offline personalities. Girls often downplay their intelligence, confidence and kindness online.

-Girls with low self-esteem are more likely than girls with high self-esteem to construct a “sexy” and “crazy” persona within online settings such as social networking sites.

-68% of girls have encountered a negative experience within social networking sites. Bullying, name-calling, and gossip were common negative experiences.

This weekend I attended my first SSSS annual Meeting. I was excited to be among fellow sex researchers. It was a relief to say to someone that I am getting my Master's in Sexuality Studies and them understand what that means and ask about my research with t any traces of disbelief in my chosen field. In addition to presenting my work profess and volunteering as a student ambassador, I was able to attend several sessions on topics at I was interested in. One symposium in particular caught my interest. This session entitled Gender-related identities as mental disorders? This panel included four presentations relating to discussion of the inclusion of Gender Identity Disorder in the DSM V, which is currently being developed. It was listed as a session that focused on education.

As a graduate student, I have the opportunity to engage in discussions about gender that reach beyond the notion of gender binaries and...

I just read an article in the New York Times that focused on the attempts of some school districts to beef up antiharassment rules in light of recent suicides by gay teenagers.  While I’m happy to hear that these school district are responding to an obvious need, the reaction to these measures by religious conservatives (while expected) is exceedingly troubling.  While they insist they don’t support bullying, and certainly don’t agree that any child should be tormented, they wage an all out war on those policies designed to prevent such harassment.  They don’t even pretend to offer an alternative to these antiharassment policies that they might condone (though I doubt any alternative they might concoct would be remotely successful).  Actually, it doesn’t surprise me that they have no alternative solution, as they equate any mention of gay/lesbian/queer as a positive endorsement of a lifestyle they deem...

November 2, 2010. The day that I have been dreading is here.

The news media has portrayed the Tea Party as the antidote to America’s financial and moral maladies. The “liberal” agenda has poisoned the foundations of this country, and the conservative platform will provide much needed relief from the Obama’s so-called socialist antics. Within this framework, the Conservative movement is the refuge for real “Americans.” But where do the rest of us fit if we fall outside of these values?

The cultural landscape of America post 2008 has become increasingly hostile. Democrats are no longer a cohesive party joined by the promise of change. The Republicans paint America as a country wrought with moral transgressions. And with the financial crisis and high unemployment rate, voters are disillusioned and seek answers to these problems.

But what are these answers? For the Conservative movement, social issues are closely tied to political change. And sex and sexuality is an important area of social control. Gay marriage, reproductive rights, and abstinence-only sexuality education must be regulated to preserve “American” values. This need for control is seen in Glen...

I finally got a chance to read Indiana University's recently released findings from their National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, and I can't stop thinking about the "orgasm gap".  Really, it's two gaps.  The first involves a greater likelihood of male orgasm during penile-vaginal sex, with women more likely to orgasm while engaging in "a variety of sex acts".

 I am with you so far, Indiana, please continue.

The second gap, I have to believe, is related.  Men are also quite likely to think their most recent female partner orgasmed during sex, whereas women are less likely to say they experienced orgasm.  Hmmm.

I remember when I first began to realize I wasn't a total physiological failure for not experiencing vaginal orgasms.  I took the fact that my clitoris was not inside my vagina as proof that either God didn't exist, or he was a jerk.  Even a pig's clitoris is inside its vagina (check out

My Visit to the Museum of Sex

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting the sex museum in New York City and actually seeing the SEX in SEXuality studies.

I have been to a sex museum before, in Amsterdam, which mainly focused on sexual artifacts from different periods of history. In fact it was during that visit I realized how sexuality had been erased from mainstream history. For example: the total absence of ANY sexually explicit art or even hints of sexuality in history in school textbooks. That realization created a spark igniting my interest in the study of human sexuality.

In that first sex museum experience I was 19 and had just completed my first year of college – I hadn’t even declared a major yet!

Fast-forward six years. On my second sex museum trip I was 25, in the middle of my second year of the Sexuality Studies Graduate program and equipped with a very different perspective. This visit gave me a new realization: sex is absent from my study of sex. Although our class has talked about this before , it became real walking through the exhibits and reading someone’s theories and research on a wall next to a playing porn reel. This museum actually placed sex and the study of sexuality together.

After nearly three semesters of sexuality studies at SF State, standing the middle of museum I...

I was deeply saddened when I got up this morning, donned my purple shirt to show support for the struggle against LGBT bullying, and discovered that yet another teen suicide occurred last night. While this one wasn't associated directly with "bullying," he was a gay young man who lived in this culture where queer folks are second class citizens. As is common with suicide, tragedy begets tragedy. There is news story after news story about the tragedy of loss, but where is the press release about the repercussions on the "bullier"?

I am tired of reading these articles about bullying and the way children treat each other. When this behavior occurs among adults (and it does), it is called harassment and violence. Language is important. I think the term bullying makes the behavior seem somehow gentler and even makes this treatment seem like a naturally occurring childhood behavior. It is not gentle teasing. It is not harmless and contrary to those folks who want to ignore the problem, it is certainly not natural. It is hate and it is learned.

While I appreciate all of the efforts to assure gay teens that life does get better (and I do these efforts are important), where are the messages that those who inflict this kind of harassment are held accountable for their actions? I want to show our nation's kids (and adults, for that matter), queer and straight alike, that this...

Wish I knew what brand…

I’m still on my first dildo vibrator. That may not be news until I mention that I got it when I was 15 or 16 and I am 24. It’s kinda amazing that it has lasted this long and also almost gross at the same time!

It was sweet- my boyfriend at the time got the vibrator for me. These were the days before I had a credit card to order one online and was too young to enter any adult stores myself. I don’t recall asking him for one but I was excited when he gave one to me. He picked out a pink, medium length and girth, slightly up-curved, and one with an adjustable knob at the end to set the vibrati0n as low or high as I desire.

I decided it would be fun to name it. I thought about naming it something simple like Bob or Steve but was inspired to be more goofy with the naming. Seeing how my dildo was pink, I crowned the name “Pretty Pink Princess” and it still makes me smile to this day when I say its name....

What?!  Could it be true? Can you really dance ballroom dance without a penis in your pair?  Apparently so, as the first same-sex couple is set to debut on the next Israeli Dancing with the Stars.  (see the jezebel blog about it here). TV reporter Gili Shem Tov will dance with professional Dorit Milman.  While Gili has a female partner at home, Dorit is as hetero as they come (so all the articles insist)...

In today’s world, a world of sharing your story, (rather on youtube, twitter, facebook, or one of the many other sharing websites) what use to be considered private matters, has become public news to our friends, family, and even strangers. 

Almost every month in the news there is a story on a celebrate who’s ex-lover, or someone else, has shared a private text, video or tape recording. There was the instance where Tiger Woods’ mistresses (plural) shared the private text messages that were sent to them from Tiger Woods’, and then they shared the pictures and possible videos. Another big celebrate news story, which may have crossed the line of privacy when Mel Gibson’s girl friend/ baby mama share phone conversations that she taped of them arguing (now I’m not taking sides or defending anyone in this blog). The fact that these events, which use to be private, have occurred in the public light and became widely accepted public events, our society is sending a message to everyone that any and everything can be shared.

Here is my question. Is there such a thing as privacy anymore? Has society done way with it? And if so, what does that mean for the future? I’m asking this questions because I have noticed that the younger generations have lost a sense of privacy, I actually don’t know if they even know what that word means anymore....

We learn about sex from the least aware of teachers.  I'm thinking of the giraffe, at the zoo, who informed the young me about erections.  And the boys who antagonized me for "sticking out my tits", until I learned to change my posture.  And the gym teacher with all those slides of enflamed herpes.  Messages are deliberate, they are casual.  We learn, we are conditioned.  Rinse, repeat. 

I love paying attention to the subtle sex-related messages we are all sending out and taking in.  Are they...

This week, I attended a workshop on Practical Non-monogamy. I have been to workshops on non-monogamy before and have experimented with different levels of non-monogamy in my dating life (also I hardly ever do relationships). I have read The Ethical Slut (lets be honest, I read half of it several years ago) and heard of other books to read. I have had several casual discussions with freinds and family about non-monogamy. Needless to say, I am not a total beginner.

I am currently in a serious, committed relationship relationship that is not monogamous in the traditional sense. We are both open to sexual encounters outside the two-person, couple model. It is something we discuss a lot and our rules and boundaries are under continual negotiation. Our relationship is also queer, so it already exists outside the heterosexual norms.

With this workshop, I was hoping for a little refresher and some thought provoking insight on how to negotiate non-monogamy in my life. Initially, I was excited about the workshop because I like to see different...

Oh, mean girls where did you come from and why are you here?  Yes, I loved the movie, but I attribute that to a general love of all things Tina Fey.  In any case, mean girls have taken hold of popular media and won’t let go.  I recently read an article in the New York Times covering the well established topic of bullying... girl-on-girl bullying that is.  There is no research to indicate this type of mean girl bullying is actually increasing in younger kids, however we have certainly seen an increase in recognition and coverage of this type of behavior.  While I am not in a position to say what’s really going on, or posit some explanation for perceived or real increase in mean girls, I can say the narrative kind of bothers me.  Yes, yes, I understand these narratives help people understand certain trends, and...

I firmly believe that masturbation should be integrated into sex ed. It’d be a great fit particularly in the abstinence only scene since I just can’t fathom how you can tell people to wait to have sex and yet not give them some sort of outlet. I’m a big fan of masturbation and just want to spread the positive message.

Reasons masturbation is awesome:

1.)     Serves purpose of giving relief to sexual tensions

2.)

It's officially the end of an era.  Starting this school year, the $375 million of federal grant money set aside for school-based sex education will no longer fall into the hands of abstinence-only enthusiasts.  American sex ed has found a new holy grail.  Our revised system doles out money based on evidence of a specific function-- programs must provide proof of lowered pregnancy rates among participants.

What types of programs succeed under this standard?  How do they do it?  Some call it the "above the waist" tactic, which gives as much focus to the mind as to the body.  Students in these programs may be required to get summer jobs, to open and contribute to savings accounts, to balance a checkbook.  They may go on field trips, learn art and music, receive tutoring, and even have access to health and dental care.  They discuss relationships, and brainstorm their future life and career goals.

At first glance, I'm encouraged.  These are opportunities I hope all kids get to explore.  But the implicit messages in the curricula give my excitement pause.  The most obvious:  pregnancy will ruin your life.  Maybe if students understand how much they have to lose, they will be less likely to...um..."get pregnant".

As you may have guessed, these...

On Wednesday, September 22nd, Florida’s Third District Court of Appeals ruled that the thirty-year ban on adoption by LGBT people is unconstitutional. In a 28-page opinion, the ruling noted that gay people are permitted to become foster parents or legal guardians in Florida, yet are excluded from adoption. Judge Gerald Cope noted,  “It is difficult to see any rational basis in utilizing homosexual persons as foster parents or guardians on a temporary or permanent basis, while imposing a blanket prohibition on those same persons.”

Of course, I am very happy with this ruling. And with increased publicity about adoption in the past couple of months (i.e.: Florida ruling and celebrity adoptions), I think it is important to consider dialogues surrounding adoption.

Adoption is my “personal is...

Lingerie Football League

 If you thought women were not objectified and degraded enough in advertisements and television then I have good news for you. The Lingerie Football League is the perfect, nation-wide, space for the objectification and degradation of athletic women in the sports arena, too. 

I am little late on this story. I just saw a commercial for the league on MTV2 (which will now be airing the games on Fridays) last night but after a quick Internet search I found the league has been around since 2009, stemming from the Lingerie Bowl in 2004, and has been played at various major-league sports arenas around country.

The basic idea of this game is you have attractive women (as this is the first criteria to join a team) dressed in panties and bras running around a field tackling each other. A few are professional athletes but most are actress and model hopefuls. The team names include gems like

I guess I’ve been on a TLC kick lately.  While reading the LA Times I was clued into another learning channel experience known as “Sister Wives.”  As the title would indicate, it’s about a polygamous family.  Having “Netflixed” the entire series of Big Love, I was curious.  All these “fringe” families, very “in” now, very fashion, very hip.  TLC loves to broadcast them coast to coast.  In any case, while I was unable to watch a full episode (again, the struggles of no television in house) I did catch a few clips online.  

The Value of Sex Work was a seminar I attended at the Desiree Alliance 2010 conference in Las Vegas. It was led by Megan Morgenson and I appreciated her voicing the value of sex workers. Below are some of my favorite points made by her.

It can be a rewarding experience to give pleasures to others and to know their deepest desires and provide a safe environment to express desires.

Sex work can be viewed as sexual healing.

Megan expressed how her soul has been fulfilled through her sex work and so she kept being drawn to this profession when initially she had just stumbled into it.

Sex has had value in various other points in time and it can again.

There would likely be more divorces if there...

I am a pacifist. I don’t like war. I don’t agree with America’s bloated military. I am struck by the very problematic economic injustices that force certain communities of people into military service. Recently, I watched Lady Gaga’s message to voters about the recent Senate vote on the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy. I had trouble watching it. In fact, the first time I tried I couldn’t get all the way through. The turned it off at the part about the soldier’s stories. In a calmer state of mind, I was able to watch it in its entirety. I watched all the way through to the painfully unanswered phone calls to Lady Gaga’s Senators.

These days it seems like everyone and their mom is worried about what the media are describing as a growing epidemic facing young people- school bullying.  The internet is flush with resources for parents wondering how to protect their kids from bullying's worst threat...the gay agenda.  Wait, the what?

If this sounds weirdly disconnected or nonsensical, it's only because the message comes from the biggest bully of all, right-wing Christian organization, Focus on the Family.  Check out their project on bullying issues, True Tolerance.  It's a great way to feel that caffeine rush without any actual coffee.

As school officials across the country are moving to introduce sexuality as a category deserving of protection from bullying, equal-rights opponents are organizing against this move.  And they are using some old, historically-effective rhetoric along the way.  Namely, they are replacing the words "equal rights" with "special rights".  I have seen this strategy before, in 1992, when Colorado residents voted to deny civil rights protections based on sexual orientation.  Falling in step with the obvious bigotry (and illegality) of this measure, was a gaggle of folks who thought the Amendment granted gays and lesbians privileges and protections that were not offered to heterosexuals-  "special" rights.  Because that's what right-wing religious...

While attending San Francisco’s annual Power to the Peace Festival in Golden Gate Park on Saturday, I again, realized the importance of providing adolescent youth, ages 15-18, a space for the exploration of self and identity and a platform to engage dialogue with adults. Power to the Peace Festival is a celebration for people of all ages and from around the world, a premiere event bringing diversity in its experiential impact, connectiveness, and music. The goal of the event is to highlight the similarities and celebrate the diversity within us all.

The massive amounts of adolescents generated an energy that was infectious. I observed adolescent girls wearing short black skirts flashing ass cheeks, ballerina shoes with shredded leggings, and tops with peeking breasts. Boys wearing no shirts and pants sagging, revealing pubic hair and ass cracks. These youth were loaded on energy, music, alcohol, marijuana, and other hallucinogens. I observed different groups of adolescents merging to form larger groups, taking up more space on the dance floor, climbing collectively into trees, and dominating their expanding social vicinities.

Touching was a huge part of their connectiveness. Boys would often jump on the backs of their friends or hang on their shoulders and propel themselves upward. They too, would dance close together and gyrate comically with one another. Girls also participated in...

Not having a television has really put a damper on my social life.  Well, at least my ability to cleverly allude to various commercials, sitcoms, or reality tv shows in my day to day life. Nevertheless, I press on with Hulu, and various other forms of internet television.  It does kind of take away the spontaneity of finding a really random, juicy piece of trash TV I can sink my.... eyes into. If, while channel surfing, I happen to stumble upon some embarrassing and unforgivable form of entertainment, well, such is life. But to actively and deliberately seek it out... slightly more incriminating.  

In any case, recently a co-worker of mine just happened to mention a program she was watching on TLC - Toddlers & Tiaras.   Hmmm.... intriguing.  Yes, I went home that evening and had my fill of Toddlers & Tiaras

I, of all people, never thought it possible, but I think I am sexed out. Actually, I don’t want to talk about sex anymore. Thank you very much.Sex is everywhere. I guess I should have known that entering a graduate program in Sexuality Studies would mean that I was immersed in discussions involving sexual things a good portion of the time. People warned me that I would grow tired of what I was studying. Honestly, I never thought I would get tired of talking about sex. But, alas, I am tired of it and there is no way out!

This semester has hit me full force. After working and interning all summer (not to mention attempting to work on my own research), I definitely wasn’t quite ready for Fall semester to begin. I am slowly but surely catching up on my academic reading (which is mostly about sex is taught) and diving full force into the critical lens that my classes require. The rigors of academics require that I take some breaks and I fancy a good, trashy vampire novel to relax from the stress of school. If anyone has read a good vampire novel, you know that these novels are nothing if not full of sex.

Today, one of my classes took me on a fieldtrip to various sex toy stores around the city where we examined the packaging, marketing, and sale of pleasure. We discussed the consumerization of sex and the benefits of sex...

Pancakes.  This is how I learned about menstruation.  Reading and writing about sex education for the past two weeks has reminded me about the sex ed I received in elementary school, and about all I remember is pancakes.  

When I was in fourth grade all of us were separated by the lovely gender binary with girls in one room and boys in the other.  Who knows what the boys watched, but we were all sure wondering.  But the girls watched a video on becoming a woman.  It started out with a young girl wanting to have a sleep over camping adventure in her backyard.  In the middle of the night one of the girls gets her period for the first time, doesn’t know what is going on, and goes inside to get her friends mother.  

Flash to the morning.  

All the girls come inside the house for breakfast.  Mom of course is making pancakes, which she then decides would be the perfect way to illustrate the female reproductive system.  All the girls gather around the stove and mom slowly pours the batter into the shape of a uterus.  (Smart and talented!) She describes the process of menstruation by moving her finger overtop of the uterine pancake.  And of course all the girls understand perfectly, and have no further questions!

Pancakes.  This was my first lesson on the female reproductive system.  And it left all of us girls wondering what the hell the boys were learning...

Reading the articles and books for this sexual education and policy class has gotten me thinking about my own sexual education experience. Like most people, most of my education did not come from the classroom. Yes we had those videos about they bodily functions in the 5th grade and that’s about as far as it went. I don’t remember any other in-school sexual education through out the rest of my middle school or high school years. So my main question to myself is, where did I get my information about sexuality and its pleasures and dangers?

Well the first experience that I can remember, was when I was in about the 4th grade and my cousin, who is one year older then me, asked me if I was a virgin. I had no idea what a virgin was, so of course I said NO. Boy did he laugh, and taunt me until I went and asked my mother what a virgin was.  May I say, she wasn’t pleased with my cousin or the question. I can’t quite remember if she answered it.  But my main point is, most of my sexual education came from family, peers, and the media; and it started at a young age.

By the time I was 14 I knew a good amount about sex and relationships, more then my parents could even fathom.  Although I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23, I...

I would like to make sure everyone is familiar with my favorite t-shirt.  It displays the eye-catching statement, "marriage is so gay", and is a product of the Human Rights Campaign, an organization committed to equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people.  If you are into social experiments and supporting marriage equality, this shirt's for you.  But be forewarned, it's for a lot of other people too.

My boyfriend worked a beer festival this summer (yea!) in Colorado Springs (booo!!) and decided to wear this shirt.  Maybe you've never been to the Springs, so I'll orient you.  The Ronald Reagan Highway runs straight through it, past the Air Force Academy and Focus on the Family headquarters (they're not together, they're just friends).  Then there's New Life Church (whose pastor, you might remember, stepped down after being outed by a male prostitute).  NORAD defense command hums away inside the mountain west of town and Fort Carson Army Base is due south.  Oh, and keep your eyes open for billboards leased by an organization called Prolife Across America.  One of their most recent pictures a cheerful baby explaining that the fetus you might be carrying in your (potentially selfish) uterus has "Eyes, Ears, and even my Tongue!", just 28 days after the dirty little miracle called conception.

Back to the beer festival.  What types of reactions are you expecting from the...

May we all find salvation, in professions that heal ~ Shawn Colvin

         Hello, my name is Breetel Shy, and I have a confession to make. Talking about sexuality scares the shit out of me. I can discuss the history of masturbation, teach a roomful of highschoolers how to use a condom, and debate the implications of abstinence-only education without blushing, but ask me to tell a sexual partner that I want him to go down on me or that sometimes I’d rather masturbate than have sex, and I need to prepare for a week. When talking about sexuality is personal, it’s a whole other ballgame.

            I grew up in a very religious household. My mom is so into God, that she named all of her children Hebrew variations of one basic sentiment- God Rocks. In our house, sexuality was not talked about except to say that sex could make babies and it should happen in marriage. In school, the take home message was always, Just Say No…Or else. At nine years old I remember overhearing my oldest sister talk about losing her virginity on the phone. I cried for weeks. I wrote letters to God and put them under my bed, praying that my sister wouldn’t die. My parents never said anything bad about masturbation but because they didn’t say anything, I...