Validating All Christian Unions 

In the early years of my pastoral ministry, I was approached by one of my female deacons and asked to perform a marriage ceremony for her and her female partner. They were both faithful members of our church and felt it was right and proper to ask their pastor to marry them. This was the first time one of my Same Gender Loving couples asked me to solemnize their union. I recall my mixed feeling of fear and responsibility. I did not want to disappoint my deacon, yet I was concerned about how the church and I would be perceived after the ceremony. My deacon realized my reticence and suggested I have one of the other clergy perform the ceremony. I struggled all that night and I realized that I had done weddings for heterosexual parishioners without hesitation. I was participating in the reinforcement of a double standard. I passed through my fear and agreed to do the wedding. It was an epiphany for me…a time of great profound revelation. I have been honoring the marriages of my parishioners since and I have some ethical principals to share.

Marriages and Unions

Sexual ethics and boundaries are essential to the health of the community because the definition of ethical sexual practice differs significantly from one individual to another. Whereas volumes have been written about heterosexual marriage, very little has been written regarding sexual ethics for SGL Christians and couples. The family, straight or SGL, is an integral part of the church community. Defining family for SGL Christians is a struggle in itself; however, the stability of family relationships is foundational to the stability of the community. According to John Kater:

What this means for twentieth-century Christians is that we cannot hope to fulfill the Biblical demands for justice and love by imitating the social institutions of twenty centuries ago, but are called instead to examine our own institutions and mores in the light of the City of God. Marriage is Christian, not when it conforms to law, from which we have been set free, but when it becomes a sacrament.

How should the church respond to families that don’t fit the acceptable social norm? When is marriage a sacrament? The Christian Church had a similar dilemma two hundred years ago when it sought to determine how to justify the inclusion of slave families that did not fit the requirement set forth by the church. Some churches as far back as the 1800s had decided to welcome slaves, conditionally, as members. The issue was how could the church receive them “in good standing” when some of the married slaves had both their current spouses and another spouse and often other children on another plantation. This was due in large part to the ability of the slave master to sell slaves at will. Underlying this issue was the fact that slave marriages were not considered valid and legal, as slaves were not truly “people” but “possessions.” How could the church make their marriages sacred and make them accountable to their vows if their master could force them in and out of their marriages? One church, the Welsh Neck Baptist Church of South Carolina decided that to grant membership to the slave couples was “less evil” than excommunicating them. They further stated:

That servants separated by their owners, & removed to too great a distance to visit each other, may be considered dead to each other; & therefore at liberty to take a second companion, in the lifetime of the first; as the act of separation was not their own voluntary choice; but the will of those who had legal control over them.

This forward thinking group of Christians was able to see beyond the religious legalism of their time and find a way to help these families so different from their own.

Good sound relationships are foundational in the formation of families. But what is a family? In my history and in the experience of the African American community, it was often not nuclear and was not typified by the television programs of my youth…Donna Reed, Leave it to Beaver, or Father Knows Best. I resonate with Michael Piazza, pastor of Cathedral of Hope MCC, who said, “We live in a world where families are as diverse as the people who inhabit them. Family values must mean more than living in the suburbs with 2.4 kids, a large screen TV, and a thirty year mortgage.” Aunts, grandparents, family friends, and nonrelatives raised many of my friends. Like many others, I am the product of a broken home, but it did not seem broken because the village/church was so family-like. We were in a community where the adults were responsible for everyone’s children and we, as children, were responsible to the adults who cared for us.

Some definition and affirmation must be given to same sex couples to establish beginning points for relationship accountability to and from the community. Relationships must be established in some way to indicate clearly what the expectations are for the church, the extended family, parents, children, and former significant others.

Same sex unions should not only be an acceptable practice in the Christian Church. These unions are essential to the harmony of the church community where SGL parishioners are present. These unions are essential for the support of couples that have so few examples of sexual fidelity and long term commitment.

In my pastoral experience I have been involved with ministries where there were large numbers of SGL African American persons. These ministries often placed a major emphasis on music and other forms of artistic expression. I have seen the theological and doctrinal positions of these churches change progressively as they sought to include SGL persons, who were integral to the life of the community. It seems difficult in most cases, however, to cross the line from benevolent tolerance to full affirmation; to create a community of affectional orientation parity along with gender parity, class parity, etc. The struggle seems to be centered on finding a socially acceptable, normative, and safe way to fully incorporate homosexual parishioners alongside straight parishioners. What does a predominantly straight ministry do with its SGL parishioners without offending the straight folks?

What has occurred is a subculture of SGL persons in the Christian community who are not necessarily condemned for being SGL but who are also not given equal status with heterosexual persons in a heteronormative environment. SGL Christians are not often free to celebrate anniversaries, be close in public, or share a last name. Marriage and relationship seminars and “how to” workshops are limited to heterosexual couples. Betty Berzon, in her book Permanent Partners, suggests that heterosexual couples expect permanence in their partnerships because the structures of extended family and the legal system built around their relationships reinforce their permanence. “Gay and Lesbian people, on the other hand, tend to approach their partner relationships with the hope that these will be long-lasting, even though the prospect is largely unconfirmed by their own experience, and that of most of the people they know.”

In the same way that little attention was given to the “invalid” marriages of slave couples, little attention is given to developing same sex families. SGL couples are not challenged to answer the hard questions regarding commitment—to do so would validate an invalid marriage. Even in theologically liberal environments this model seems to give a message that says, “If you are SGL we accept you, without any accountability, just to let you know how inclusive and gracious we are; but we hold straight Christians to a higher moral standard.” In an ethical sense this is still second class treatment and a step below full acceptance of SGL people into the church community. The ethicist Robert Bellah noted this second class treatment in relationship to African Americans and Native Americans in this country: “There is first the assertion that a certain group of people lacks the qualities that would allow its members as individuals to rise and then there is the systematic deprivation of that group of all the resources necessary for its members indeed to rise”.

Because visible SGL persons are also not held accountable for faithfulness in personal relationships, or held to a “standard” of moral requirements for leadership, they are not considered strong candidates for certain roles within the church. Interestingly, these roles are most often the roles that strongly impact the social norms of the community, for example, pastor, teacher, deacon, youth leader. In order to make all privileges and opportunities available to all persons, responsibilities, requirements, and expectations should also be equal. For example, where there is strong emphasis placed on counseling and preparation before, and support and accountability during marriage, there should be a similar means by which SGL persons can have their relationships made normative and part of church community life. I believe same sex unions would do a great deal to bring about equality.

Yvette Flunder founded the City of Refuge Community Church UCC in 1991 in order to unite a gospel ministry with a social ministry. She now serves as senior pastor preaching a message of action. In June 2003 Rev. Flunder was consecrated Presiding Bishop of Refuge Ministries/Fellowship 2000, a multi-denominational fellowship of fifty-plus primarily African American Christian leaders and laity.