Meet market 

After years of being shunned by the socially able, online dating has finally made its way into the mainstream. More people than ever are signing themselves up in the hopes of meeting just about anyone, lining up dates like it’s nobody’s business. In response to the increasing demands of the horny and bored, online dating services have gone the way of niche marketing, targeting singles by religion, class, looks and a slew of other shameless criteria. Here’s the lowdown on some the most notable and popular sites to date.

If you’d like to share your own adventures in online dating, we’d love to hear from you. (Success stories need not apply.)

E Harmony.com

In 2000, backed by over 35 years of clinical and empirical research, evangelical Christian Dr. Neil Clark Warren finally discovered the secret to lasting, monogamous love: a two hour painstaking questionnaire. Millions of people looking to fill their work hours have used eHarmony's patented Compatibility Matching System™ to find the love of their lives while wasting valuable time and money. In fact, recent research sponsored by eHarmony found that eHarmony married couples are significantly happier than couples married for a similar length of time who met by other means. So if you meet your significant other somewhere else, don’t pretend you didn’t know better when you end up sad and divorced.

FYI: At the urging of her very Christian mother, an attractive and employed girlfriend of mine lost two hours of her life that she will never get back: out of the site’s gazillion plus members, she was informed that “there are no matches for your specified criteria.”  Thanks Dr. Clark, cause she didn’t feel like a big enough loser before.

JDate.com

Find your ideal Jewish soul mate on JDate.com, the web’s premiere dating site for Jews and the Goys that really like dating them. Check out the Mazel Tov section for hundreds of success stories or simply peruse the site’s vast membership base, which despite its size, is still full of people you know from summer camp. Just be sure to have a family tree nearby before you hot list “KosherDog75” —your bubby has more first cousins than you think. And no, we no longer do that.

FYI: For those who actually end up finding the “one” here, be prepared to lie about it for the rest of your life. I met my hubby on JDate. It never gets easier.

BeautifulPeople.net

If you were ever curious as to if you are truly BEAUTIFUL in society's eyes, the catty, airbrushed members of BeautifulPeople.net will be sure let you know. To become a member, applicants have to be voted in by existing members of the opposite sex. (Sorry, no beautiful gays allowed.) Over a three day period, approval starved hopefuls are judged on whether or not they are 'attractive enough'. Should applicants secure enough positive votes, they are granted membership to the web’s most evil site to date! With 82,186 needy applicants and only 16,029 members, you’ll know you’re that much better than everyone else.

FYI: The site’s professional networking option allows you to explore new business and employment opportunities, ensuring 20/20’s John Stossel gets one more whiny segment on workplace discrimination under his belt.

Match.com

With singles in 240 countries and dating and relationship sites in 18 languages, Match.com is the worlds No. 1 dating site, credited with creating more couples than any other online dating service. And unlike some of its more religious counterparts (see above), Match.com services all unhappy singles, gay, straight and other. I have at least a dozen friends on this site at any given moment, lining up dates weeks in advance. Shopping for people has never been so much fun.

FYI: If you’ve ever wondered how you too can have the type of relationship where a frozen, plasticized women half your size walks you onto a stage everyday, dream no more: Match.com has recently partnered up with Dr. Phil! The new service, aptly titled MindfindBind with Dr. Phil, provides users with obvious dating advice needlessly couched in a harsh, demeaning manner. Expect gems like, “If you’re not really excited about being you, then no one’s going to be excited about being with you.” Or my personal favorite, “If you’re going on one date, then two dates, and then all of a sudden they just disappear, then it’s not working.” Now I get it Oprah; he is amazing!

Nerdpassions.com

Looking for that special someone who is “best in small groups”? Who has “been drawing superheroes since I was a child”? If your last relationship occurred between avatars on Everquest, (and whose hasn’t) Nerdpassions.com is the place for you! An online community for nerds and geeks, Nerdpassions.com is the only site on this list that, understandably, is completely free. With its own special language torn straight off the pages of your senior year assigned reading, users who “grok” are bequeathed the privilege to meet others who “grok” as well. If you didn’t get that, be happy. Very happy.

FYI: In a sad twist of fate, my partner, who I obviously didn’t meet on eHarmony.com, was offended by my blatant disrespect of Stranger in a Strange Land. Be sad for me. Very sad.

TheRightStuff.com

Not just another poor-man’s dating site, TheRightStuff.com is an elite “introduction network” for the classist alumni of the Ivy League, desperate for a “civilized and manageable way to meet well educated members of the opposite sex.” Gaining admittance to this “select group” of singles ain’t easy: The Right Stuff requires its members to provide proof of graduate or faculty status before joining. Proof, or the validation you never got as a child, can be obtained by sending in a copy of your diploma; a fund-raising letter addressed to you; a copy of a page from an alumni or faculty directory that includes your name; a copy of your alumni or faculty card; your alumni magazine with computerized address label intact; any correspondence or email from the university that indicates that you are a graduate or faculty member; an email message sent from your alumni email account of a TRS school; a copy of your transcript (in desperation).

FYI: Taking the time to locate anything from the above exhaustive list automatically means you suck. Read: I went to a state school and hate you.

AnimalAttraction.com

Sometimes even the most intelligent and able-minded people don’t hate Tori Spelling. These would be the same people who flock to animalattraction.com, the website where PETA lovers meet. Decidedly different from other dating sites, animalattarction.com is open to all species looking for romance or friendship, allowing users to post pictures and create profiles for both themselves and their pets. Whether or not this translates into actual postings of “Pomeranian in estrus seeks laid back ferret” remains unclear; I refused to post my email address, the sole criteria for joining and perusing the site, from fear of ever being contacted. Apparently, I was premature in saying Nerdpassions.com was the only free site on this list. My mistake.

FYI: It should be mentioned that I’m petrified of dogs and most other animals that, in a total dismissal of evolutionary thought, people believe are happiest in tiny, cubicle like apartments. Regardless, after one too many conversations on how being locked in a bathroom for a freaking hour messes with Fluffy’s psyche, I succumbed and am currently in hypnotherapy.

Nerve.com

More than just a dating site, Nerve.com is a “smart, honest magazine on sex” featuring prose and fiction, as well as naked pictures of famished hipsters convinced that the fine line between art and porn resides in a geometric haircut. True to its holier than though vibe, Nerve.com’s personals are filled with quasi attractive, but always cool, photos of men and women feigning momentary distraction. Redefining irony as we know it, profiles include cute little tidbits, the likes of users most “humbling moments” or “best or worst lie I’ve ever told.” My favorite attempt at unassuming arrogance thus far: “When I was asked to play a minor role in 90210 in 1994.”

FYI: The Prowl, Nerve.com’s newest photoblog, documents the private moments of art student Ryan Pfluger, “whose blur of friends, boyfriends and clients is exposed in his emotionally—and physically—naked photographs.” He so cries during sex.

CraigsList.com

Same as above. Only much, much worse.